I don't like working with my mentor - how should I handle this?

Question

My company has a structure where new hires with limited experience are assigned both a manager and a mentor. While the mentor doesn't manage you directly, they help onboard, provide business context, and often review your work. It's a formal arrangement that's hard to change.

Nine months into my job, I’m not a fan of my mentor. While competent, he’s rude, especially in technical discussions. When he disagrees with something, he aggressively asks "why would you do it that way?" instead of giving constructive feedback. This often turns discussions into confrontations rather than collaborative problem-solving. He’s helpful with business context, but he speeds through unfamiliar topics and reacts with scorn if I ask for clarification. He’s also prescriptive with how tasks should be done, even when I ask general questions, which adds to the complexity.

Moreover, I don’t find him useful as a mentor. While he's better with business context and attention to detail, I don't find his communication skills or career progression worth emulating. He's pretty much just a shitty extra layer of management.

I’m considering a few ways to address this:

Directly communicating my frustrations to him. This is possible, but I doubt he’d take it well and might turn it back on me for cases where I had bad ideas or made mistakes.
Talking to my manager. He is far more approachable and supportive than my mentor, and I'd be comfortable talking to him about this (of course, with less charged language than I use here). But my manager and mentor don’t have a good relationship (as the mentor drunkenly admitted to me once during a team event), so I’m unsure how this would play out. I'd be concerned the net result is that my mentor would just get more frustrated and aggressive. Also, I'd be slightly concerned somehow this feedback could hurt my mentor's career or performance eval, and even though I don't like working with him, I don't actively want to cause harm to him.
Switching teams, which I’ve been considering for unrelated reasons about not thinking the team's work is a good fit. I've talked to my manager about this possibility and he supports me doing so next year if I still find the team a bad fit. This will get me away from the mentor, but I’d lose an amazing manager, and could have bad teammates on the next team.

Curious to hear others' perspectives. Thanks!

Charlie Vuong · Accepted Answer

Nine months into my job, I’m not a fan of my mentor. While competent, he’s rude, especially in technical discussions. When he disagrees with something, he aggressively asks "why would you do it that way?" instead of giving constructive feedback. This often turns discussions into confrontations rather than collaborative problem-solving. He’s helpful with business context, but he speeds through unfamiliar topics and reacts with scorn if I ask for clarification. He’s also prescriptive with how tasks should be done, even when I ask general questions, which adds to the complexity.

Ugh, sorry that you have to deal with this. I've been there, and it's not pleasant. Just make sure you don't let this affect other parts of your life otherwise, it's going to be a road to burning out.

The important part is that you are able to explain your thought process around your decisions very clearly where it's really hard for them to argue against you. This might take some time to develop since you won't be as experienced as your mentor. If you can explain your decisions from beginning to end, they won't have any snarky responses for you. Any time you are in a situation where you have to make a decision, I would go over all of the decisions you could make, all of their tradeoffs, and why you decided to choose one decision over the other.

Moreover, I don’t find him useful as a mentor. While he's better with business context and attention to detail, I don't find his communication skills or career progression worth emulating. He's pretty much just a shitty extra layer of management.

Hmm, how long are the mentorship relationships supposed to last? Is there a way you can end the mentor relationship?

Switching teams, which I’ve been considering for unrelated reasons about not thinking the team's work is a good fit. I've talked to my manager about this possibility and he supports me doing so next year if I still find the team a bad fit. This will get me away from the mentor, but I’d lose an amazing manager, and could have bad teammates on the next team.

It sucks, but this is good practice for how to deal with toxic co-workers. And unfortunately, this probably isn't the last time you'll have to deal with this. This is a way to stop interacting with the mentor, but you also need to make sure you aren't running away from your problems. If the switch is to progress in your career, then it does make sense.

You can also derisk yourself for the team switch by talking to your manager and your future teammates.

I don't like working with my mentor - how should I handle this?

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